JM Bask

writes and writes...

Tag: imposter syndrome

Frozen…

June 6, 2024 /

…And not in a good way. Not in a self-discovering, ice-castle-making, singing-on-high kind of way.

I’m currently working on my second(?) novel(?) with double question marks, because the story I am currently writing I did not intend to be anything but a short story but, as stories often do, it took on a life of it’s own and recently passed 15,000 words with no end in sight.

And with no end in sight and a meandering fifteen-thousand word tale, I had an epiphany of how the story should have began. That beginning would change the whole story and I would have to start anew.

I know what I’ve written so far isn’t very good.  I know it is directionless.  I know it is something I was writing just to keep writing and prove I could finish it (eventually).  And I know for that reason I should start over. But, that’s also the reason that’s making it hard for me to start over.

See, if you know anything about me you know I have been writing for 30 years, and only started finishing things three or four years ago.  Yes, that’s right, nearly three decades of half-done stories, novels that didn’t go more than three chapters, and several that had tens of thousands of words…and then just stopped.

I just recently proved to myself that I could finish things. And I’ve only finished something so lengthy once (finished first draft of first novel in March of this year).  So I’m afraid if I start over, I’ll be falling into old habits and this will just become one more thing I didn’t finish.  I also know what I’m writing now isn’t that great, and what I would write, if I began again, could be awesome.

I’m frozen, a big ball of anxiety.  I hope I figure it out soon, because I tend to only draft one project at a time.

Imposter Syndrome, It’s Coming For Ya! (Or My First Story Got Published)

June 18, 2023 /

Back in mid-March, I received an email every writer longs to get. You know, the one that starts with “Your story has been accepted…”  and follows up with said writer’s utter disbelief.  My personal favorite story, “Doran” had been accepted by Allegory Magazine for publication in their May issue! And there was even token payment involved!  I didn’t scream. I did shout at my family very loudly and very excitedly.

You would think that would solve that imposter syndrome, that finally having a story published would make me go, “Yes, I am a talented writer.” Instead, even as I signed the contract, wrote up and sent them a bio (I hate writing those by the way, and should you go read the story, I almost want to hear what you think of the bio more), and waited for publication day, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.  For the magazine to fold, for the editor to tell me it was a mistake and they meant the other story about a swamp child by the other J. M. Bask.   But nope, my story got published (and yes, it’s at that link up there).

But the imposter syndrome is still here.  My brain is convinced no one has read it.  My brain is convinced no one will publish anything else of mine.

And you know what I do?  I tell my brain to STFU.  It doesn’t work, not really.  Those thoughts come creeping back. Every time I send out a story it tries to tell me I’m wasting my time.  Every time I pick up a pen to work on my novel, it literally asks,  Why are you doing this?  I can’t get it to shut up, but sometimes, if I shout back loud enough–Because I want to! Because I AM good at this!–that stupid part of my brain that wants to see me fail will at least go hide in a corner for a little while.  And if that’s enough for me to keep going, then I’ll take it.

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